I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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