I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
