There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
