Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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