wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
