bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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