When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
