My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
