I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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