Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
