I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
