I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
