Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
