Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
