Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
