Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
