I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
