the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
