I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
