then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
