let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
