Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
