my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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