My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
