I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
