If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i think im in europe. pls send help
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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