I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
