Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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