Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
