ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
