today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
