are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
