Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
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After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
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You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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