I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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