Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
