just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
