I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
