Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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