four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
