Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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