I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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