I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
