it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
