If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He better not be in your backpack
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
