fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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