i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
