I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
