She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
