I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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