i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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