The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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