He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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