R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i already hear my dad disowning me
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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