My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Is Oprah even human
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
