Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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