Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
