So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
