he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Randomize
