Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
